


Letters

by thesunflowerchild



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Cancer, In letter format so its kinda cool, M/M, Slow Burn, really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:26:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22834759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesunflowerchild/pseuds/thesunflowerchild
Summary: Donghyuck is diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer shortly before Mark proposes to him. Donghyuck doesn't want to tell Mark, so he opts to write him letters that he'll give to his fiance on his deathbed.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 32
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> oOf this is sad
> 
> idk why i like to write sad things but i do
> 
> things about letters:  
> ~ this was written about a year ago, but i kinda don't want to change the dates and everything, so it's about a year off :/  
> ~ this story contains the best line (actually i think it's a paragraph but still) i've ever written in the history of my writing. comment what you think it is :)  
> ~ i actually made myself cry with this one, which is kinda rare when i'm reading my own stories. i found it in my creative writing journal from last year and i'd honestly forgotten about it, so i wasn't sure what was coming but when it came i really was shedding actual tears from my eyeballs at like 2am
> 
> comment your thoughts and come cry with me over on [tweeter](https://twitter.com/thesunniechild)
> 
> enjoy (and keep some tissues handy)!!!

January 8, 2019

Ah, my love. I’ve always wanted to so this - write special letters to you and give them to you on special occasions. Special occasions like our wedding, the birth of our first child, our first family camping trip, getting our first pet (a cat) - stuff like that. But it breaks my heart to know that the reason why I write to you today is not because it’s a special occasion.

You know all those weird dizzy spells, headaches, nosebleeds, and memory losses? Well, I collapsed on Thursday at work, almost on top of one of the kids! Renjun saw, and he said that when I woke up, I was pale and greenish blueish (which is totally freaky, given my skin color) and totally out of it. He sent me to the ER to get checked on (and didn’t tell you, which I’m glad for, but surprised by) and there they did a bunch of MRIs and scans and things. I told them about all the weird symptoms and stuff. They sent me home and promised a callback with results.

Yesterday I got the call. Turns out it’s a big-ass tumor sitting on the top of my spinal cord and the back of my brain causing all those things. It’s malignant.

Fooled you? Malignant means cancerous.

I’ve got cancer, Mark. Brain cancer.

And by the time you get this letter, you’ll probably already know. But I don’t want that dampening your happiness, so I’m not going to tell you until I absolutely have to. We can live just the same way we always have, without my illness getting in the way.

I’m in the early stages, and I have an appointment next week to figure out more about this. But Mark, I could still have the rest of my life to live. I just want you to know that I love you SO much, I love you with my entire heart.

So this isn’t goodbye. Let’s not make it be.

The Love of Your Life,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	2. Chapter 2

January 15, 2019

My doctor’s appointment today confirmed it. My cancer is in stage 4. I can do the surgery, but it’s invasive and I’m not sure about it. I’m not even sure if I want to do chemo or radiation. I don’t want to die a vegetable! Ew, can you imagine? A gross, red tomato Donghyuck rotting away… Disgusting!

Anyway, I wanted to tell you here, because I probably won’t be telling you in real life. I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to hurt you like that, Markie.

Tomorrow we’re leaving for Dallas. I’m not sure why, but you told me that you’ll tell me when we get there. I trust that you’re not going to sell me to an American sex trade company or something outrageous like that. But maybe you might… Should I trust you, Mark? How do I know if you’re going to just leave me in America all by myself? A poor little Korean boy who’s only ever been to America once before and who doesn’t speak a lick of English? How dare you!

Well, I have to go now, you’re calling me down for dinner - how ironic, you’re calling for me while I’m writing to you. Anyway. Mark, I love you, and I’ll write you next week.

Yours Always, 

Lee Donghyuck <3


	3. Chapter 3

January 22, 2019

Mark! Mark Lee! You proposed to me! PROPOSED!!! AND I SAID YES!!!! Mark we’re going to be married! I’m so happy!

Dallas was fun (especially because you  _ proposed _ to me on Friday) and it was a really cool place. The only problem with you taking me to the states is that you keep talking to me in English, expecting me to respond back in English, but I can’t speak in English, Mark.

While we were at Smokey Rose (you know, that one place where you kept yelling rose over and over again), I was trying to hide it, but I felt like I was going to collapse. When I left to use the bathroom, I did. For only a couple minutes, though! It only took someone banging on my stall door with another door to render me conscious. My nose had bled while I was out (thankfully not on my shirt), so I cleaned up and made the dizzying trip back out to our table outside. You were concerned, but I just told you that it was the chicken fried steak that bothered my stomach (which it did), and that I was fine (which I wasn’t).

I’m sorry for lying to you. I hope you’ll understand why I’m doing it.

Because who would want to marry a sick boy who’s only got a few months of life left?

Your VERY HAPPY Fiance (!!!),

Lee Donghyuck <3


	4. Chapter 4

January 29, 2019

I’m not going to do the surgery. Or chemo, or radiation, or any treatment, really. Maybe when it starts getting bad I’ll take medication for the pain, but that’s it. I don't want to do chemo or radiation because it kills you before the cancer can and I’d rather live longer not on treatment than have to hide chemo from you and die sooner.

Today has been a shit day. I should be happy, right? I’m going to be getting married to the love of my life, damn it!

But no. I can’t be happy because I have cancer. To start it all off, I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that you were me and I was you, and I experienced your death. Mark, my death is going to hurt you so much, if we’re going by my dream. I woke up crying, and when I saw that you were gone, I had a full on panic attack. I thought you had died in the bathroom or something, and while I was sobbing in the middle of our bed, you brought in breakfast on a tray! You saw me, freaked, and nearly dropped breakfast trying to get to me. You climbed into bed with me, and you just held me while I cried - and I  _ cried  _ \- and you waited until I was done to ask what was wrong. I told you that I’d had a bad dream in which you died and you comforted me. Of course, you were upset for me, but you probably won’t remember this instance when I tell you about my cancer. You won’t know how much this dream hurt and affected me until I die, and I don’t want that for you, Mark. Anyway, you comforted me until we fell asleep again. Well, I fell asleep, I don’t know if you did. When I woke up, we had a cold breakfast and began our day. Boy, am I glad we didn’t have work today.

We ran errands, but they really wore me out. I felt like I was about to collapse when we got home, and you noticed. You thought that I’d already had a hard day, so you tucked me into bed and made me soup. (I also cried in the middle of the store because my head hurt like a bitch and I had to think too much when the store clerk asked what series number our printer was so he could find the toner for it. P.S. Target doesn’t sell Lexmark toners anymore because Lexmark doesn’t make printers anymore. Fucking dumb.)

Why do you love me so much, Mark? I mean, I’m not complaining, but - me? Why me, Mark? I’m pathetic, sick, weak. There’s not much left to love, I’ll be gone before too long. Thank you for loving me, even when I can’t love myself.

Lee Donghyuck <3


	5. Chapter 5

February 12, 2019

Sorry I missed a week.

But! Valentine’s Day is on Thursday (so is Jaehyun’s birthday, but he’s not that important…)! I still have to figure out what I’m going to do for my FIANCE! It has to be the specialest Valentine’s Day that ever existed. That means I’m going to have to outdo years and years and years of past boyfriends and girlfriends (?) that may have stolen your Valentine’s heart.

This is going to be harder than I thought…

I have to go plan now.

Bye!

Your VERY EXCITED Fiance,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	6. Chapter 6

February 19, 2019

Nothing special, just an I love you.

Minimally, 

Lee Donghyuck <3

P.S. You outdid me on Valentine’s Day, so I’ll have to wait for White Day.


	7. Chapter 7

February 26, 2019

Doyoung hyung knows now. And Taeil, and Renjun, and Johnny… and Chenle, Jisung, Jeno, Jaemin, Yangyang, Hendery, Xiaojun, Sicheng, Yuta, Taeyong, Jaehyun, Ten, Jungwoo, Lucas, and Kun.

You’re the only one. Who doesn’t know.

How all of them know? I have no idea. Renjun and Doyoung and Johnny and Taeil forced it out of me on Friday. I had a really bad day, leaving the kids every thirty minutes to throw up nothing in teeny tiny kiddie toilets. My nose bled, I had a huge migraine, and when the kids left, I fainted again. Apparently, those two - Renjun and Doyoung - have been watching my health closely (I thought I never showed symptoms, but this _is_ the second time I’ve collapsed at work and certainly not the first time I’ve had a (literally) brain-crushing headache) and they cornered me when I came to. 

I didn’t want to tell them, Mark, I didn’t! But then Taeil and Johnny showed up too, and I just couldn’t. I broke down in tears and told them that I have stage 4 brain cancer.

Of course, they cried cried too, and soon we were a blob of gay men sobbing on each other in the corner of a daycare facility.

Fucking embarrassing.

But this is exactly why I didn’t want anyone to know yet! I didn’t want all this sympathy shit!

I mean, yes, I would like you to cry for me, but not until I’m dead, not months before!

So I made them all swear by the safety of their dicks that they would keep it a secret from you.

And I swear to God, if they even hint about it to you, I WILL NOT HESITATE to cut each of their dicks off slowly and painfully.

Mark my words.

Your AGGRAVATED Fiance,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	8. Chapter 8

March 5, 2019

It’s getting bad now. It’s getting harder and harder to hide it from you. You keep noticing all my bad days and you can see the symptoms of cancer taking their toll on my body - pale, skinny(er), tired, weak, all that shit. You’re always really worried about me. Yesterday, I fell at the top of the stairs because I was so dizzy and (thankfully) you were there to catch me. That’s been the first time I’ve actually collapsed in front of you since this whole thing started..

I had another appointment after work today, and the tumor has grown. They said it won’t be long now, but “I’m welcome to begin treatment as soon as possible!”.

I need to tell you soon. I don't want you to find out about it after I’ve died.

This is fucking depressing.

I’m crying.

Your heartbroken Fiance,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	9. Chapter 9

March 26, 2019

Oh my gosh! I forgot the last two letters! Mark, I’m so sorry! This is the effects of cancer-induced memory loss. 

I hate this.

Lee Donghyuck <3


	10. Chapter 10

April 3, 2019

Billie Eilish is the best singer in this entire world. Her songs are relatable and so badass and beautiful… Doyoung covered two of her songs last night at our karaoke night last night. He sang wish you were gay and bad guy and then after everyone begged and  _ begged,  _ he caved and did idontwannabeyouanymore. Taeil did no more tears left to cry by Ariana Grande, Renjun did Coming of Age Ceremony by Park Ji Yoon, and Johnny did Instant Crush by Daft Punk. It was so fun, I forgot about my cancer for the night! I did tons of songs, and I also danced to them too.

Even though they all know about the cancer, it was nice to hang out with them and not have to hide anything and know that they were there for me anyway. I got emotional about it and  _ mayhaps  _ I cried…

This morning, we were all hungover from lack of sleep and decided not to do karaoke night on a school night next time. Today was a good day. I didn’t feel bad, even when the kids left.

When I got home, I was so tired from being up all night and then going to work that we skipped dinner and went straight to bed.

You’re asleep right now, so I’m writing.

Goodnight Mark, I love you.

Your tired Fiance,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	11. Chapter 11

April 7, 2019

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

And this desperate time calls for a letter three days early.

I had a seizure yesterday during breakfast. You were scared out of your mind, and you called an ambulance for me. I don’t remember any of this, of course, and apparently, I had a few more small ones both on the way to the hospital and in the hospital. Basically, we were in the ER a long time and they did lots of scans and tests and stuff on me (most of which I was out for) before they gave me a recovery room and told you that I have stage 4 brain cancer.

When I woke up, you were crying and holding my hand tightly. That’s when I knew. I just held your hand and we both cried together for a while.

Seizures practically knock the life out of you, and since the first one, I’ve had several more. There’s something definitely wrong with me. I mean, the cancer, obviously, but now the cancer is affecting other places, and that’s why I’ve had so many seizures in the last several hours.

Anyway, I’m dog tired, and even writing this is extremely hard. I slept most of yesterday and today, and now you’re asleep, so I’m writing to you. I’m still going to keep the letters a secret, but I’m kinda glad you know about the cancer now.

Mark, I love you. You haven’t left my side at all. No matter how painful this is, you’re still there for me. But even though I’m the one who’s sick, I want to be there for you too. There to dry your tears, comfort you, tell you it’ll be okay.

But I can’t do that when I’m dead, can I?

Your Fiance,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	12. Chapter 12

April 12, 2019

I’ve been cleared for work, but you’re not going to let me go. I just know it.

Pre-cancer Mark and post-cancer Mark are two VERY different people. You practically haven’t let me out of bed since we left the hospital Monday. Tuesday you panicked when you walked into our bedroom and saw me sleeping, thinking I was dead. Wednesday you carried me down the stairs just to tuck me into a chair for the whole day. Yesterday you refused to take a shower until I was asleep. Today, you wouldn’t let me wash dishes or do laundry.

Mark, me having cancer doesn’t mean I can’t do anything at all! If I can’t do something, I’ll tell you.

You ran yourself out so much this week that you fell asleep before me and you’re out.

Sleep well, my love, and try not to worry about me so much.

Your slightly annoyed Fiance,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	13. Chapter 13

April 19, 2019

I fucking hate cancer.

I can’t do anything!

I can’t even pick up my kids anymore!

Everywhere I go, everything I do, I feel like I’m going to pass out.

I throw up everything now, even stomach acid.

My nose bleeds constantly.

I get so dizzy I can’t even stand.

I forget everything, even my kids’ names!

Not even morphine can help the migraines now.

Mark, I’m done with this.

I. FUCKING. HATE. IT.

Donghyuck


	14. Chapter 14

April 26, 2019

Doctor says I have maybe a month left.

Lee Donghyuck <3


	15. Chapter 15

May 6, 2019

Shame, my birthday is a month away, and I’ll probably be gone by then.

It’s going to happen soon, Mark. I just know it.

And when it does, I want you to drown yourself in our friend’s love. They’ll be there for you, and you’ll be there for them.

It’s okay, Mark. I’ll be fine.

I love you more than anything on this earth.

Your Fiance,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	16. Chapter 16

May 13, 2019

You know how they always say that a dying person can tell when their death is coming? I can feel it. After yesterday, I could feel everything in my body shift and slow down. It’s super hard to breathe now - I feel like I’m breathing through a straw. My limbs are getting slower and it takes a lot longer to remember or respond to simple things now. I’m sure you’ve noticed that little change. You notice everything.

Mark, I’m going to die in a few days. 

And never, ever, EVER have I been more sad than I am right now.

I’ll miss our wedding, our first child, our first family camping trip, our first family pet (a cat).

You know, I’ve never really felt scared of dying, because it was never terribly inevitable. But now that it is inevitable, I’m absolutely terrified. And I’m not terrified of my own death per say, but I’m terrified of leaving everything behind. I mean, let’s face it, Mark. I’m not going anywhere but into the ground. There’s no spirit or anything remnant of me going to float around you guys. I’m not going to be a ghost, haunting all you guys for all eternity. No. I’m being buried and I’ll stay in the ground forever.

But I’m leaving behind you and our future together, and our friends’ lives, and all my daycare kids, and every single person I have met or ever will meet.

And of that, I’m terrified.

Mark, I can’t think of anything else to say and it’s getting too hard to write now. All I have left to say is how much I love you. And Mark Lee, I love you more than anything that ever existed.

This is probably my last letter, Mark.

Thank you, for everything.

Thank you for caring for me so sweetly.

Thank you for restricting me, even the dumb things.

Thank you for wanting to make me your husband. I’ll say I do over and over again if it could change our circumstances, but sadly, it won’t.

And thank you, Mark, thank you. Thank you for loving me so deeply.

Yours, in sickness and in health,

Lee Donghyuck <3


	17. Chapter 17

May 16, 2019

i love you


	18. Chapter 18

Mark sobbed again and put the last letter down. He couldn’t stop the tears and turned to crawl into Taeyong’s arms.

“Hyung, he knew about the cancer since January,” Mark cried. “And he wrote me letters every week until he…”

Taeyong held Mark as he cried and rocked him, calmingly stroking his hair. “Oh Mark,” he whispered, his own tears dripping down his face.

“I can’t believe he’s gone, hyung.” Mark sniffed, sitting up and scrubbing his face of the tears that hadn’t stopped for hours, since he began reading the letters. “My whole life’s love is gone forever. My sunshine is gone, Yong. He died. Taeyong, Donghyuck is dead.” Mark whispered, looking down and letting the tears fall once more. “I don’t know what to do,” he whimpered again. 

“Did Hyuckie leave you with any instructions?” Taeyong asked. 

“He told me to drown myself in your love - our friends, the whole gang.”

“Well Mark, we’re all here for you. We’ll always be there for you. Even though we all miss Hyuckie, we know that no one misses him more than you. And no matter how painful, we’ll always be there for you. We love you, Mark. We love you so, so much, Markie.” Taeyong said reassuringly, hugging Mark tightly. “We’ll help you get through this.”

Mark sniffled again, nodding. “Thanks, hyung.”

“Always, Mark.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, this wrapped itself up a lot faster than I expected. Please tell me what you thought down below, or come dm me on twt @sssuuunnniiieee or cc @sssuuunnniiieee !!

**Author's Note:**

> kudos & comments = me happy  
> me happy = me want to write more  
> me write more = you happy  
> you happy = kudos & comments
> 
> repeat :)


End file.
